I wouldn’t usually be the one to discuss personal stuff like this online, but I recently saw an article on the epidemic of mental health amongst students and it really spurred me to do my bit against the stigma surrounding it. I keep seeing tweets about how much of a struggle university life can be too, and I can’t help but want to reach out to these people and just like be ‘I know how you feel!!!!”. Even though I feel kinda awkward about writing this because it is personal, I really wanted to write about my experience with mental health since being at uni because it’s something I’ve been so keen to get out there since there’s been such a rise in student mental health issues and one of the reasons for the stigmatisation is because it’s not exposed and embraced enough by the student community itself, even though it is definitely becoming more spoken about.

University can feel like an incredibly dark place at times, which I was not expecting it to feel, since before uni we’re all bombarded with ‘you’re going to have the best time’ etc. However plunging yourself into a brand new environment for me was unbelievably daunting at points and a lot of the time I felt like the only person out of thousands who was going through it and no one understood how I felt, nor did I even want to begin to try and explain it. Sometimes at uni, despite the minimal responsibility you have as a first year, it can feel as though you can’t keep up with life because it can feel like it goes at a million miles a minute. You can begin to feel fed up at all the things you feel you should be doing but have no desire to. The classic ‘how’s uni?’ is easier to respond with ‘yeah good’ than ‘It’s mentally exhausting’. And whilst some people smoothly settle into uni life, which by the way is awesome:D, some don’t. University is a place so rampant with all types of opportunities that it’s easy to think you’re under achieving sometimes and that you’re loosing direction, but this is SO normal.

When our expectations fall short of university it’s easy to blame yourself, want to change yourself and question your worth among the thousands of others who seem to be doing ok, because the whole experience is put on such a pedestal. But I realised I was one of those people who seemed to be fine. From social media, even just in person to most people around me, I put up a front that I was enjoying myself and loving life, when actually I was breaking down daily for a long time, constantly needing to reach out to people and barely sleeping and eating due to relentless anxiety and feelings of loneliness; there were times where I just thought I was going to lose it. Even physically getting on a train when I first visited home to get back to uni seemed virtually impossible and was so challenging. In retrospect, I now feel a responsibility in a way to reveal a common truth about social media that a lot of the time it’s a facade giving a false portrayal of our lives that we are always happy, but happiness is not the default emotion, and it’s also great to utilise the popularity of social media as a means for tackling these kind of issues.

Thinking about it today, I realised there must have been/still are SO many people in the same boat, and I know that if I had read something like this at many points it would have given me so much comfort knowing I wasn’t alone in that foggy head space. So I hope it helps someone in the same respect.

I’m writing this on behalf of people who have/are struggled mentally or emotionally at uni but the stigma has automatically held them back. There’s a fear people won’t take you seriously because it’s just ‘out of character’ or ‘just a bad day’ or ‘bad mood’ which sometimes it is, but it’s so important to delve deeper than justifying behaviour with these comments. It can be super easy in such an intense environment for your emotions to outweigh logic, and you can find yourself suddenly so miserable for no apparent reason, which is tough to wrap your head around. It is so easy for some people to conceal their inner issues at uni, or for anything their struggling with in life, and I just want to encourage people to speak about their feelings if their in the pits whilst at university or anything, ask people how they actually are, don’t put someone down in front of others if they say they want to stay in alone, because there can be more to it than just feeling tired or drained. Even something as little as noticing someone never comes out of their room, or has left a social situation without warning. Don’t get me wrong, some people are satisfied and capable of getting by by themselves, but some struggle to do so. I was overwhelmed by every single person understanding to some degree how I was feeling when I did open up. Being in that environment, especially in first year halls where stakes are so high and life is so hectic, and there’s so much pressure to ‘get involved’, it can leave you with a feeling of constant but unknowing strain, a sense of impending doom you can’t comprehend or fathom, and a whirlwind of thoughts or emotions that start to create unbearable frustration and guilt. Although this all might sound extreme, and some people may not understand, it can be frightening not being able to rationalise your thought patterns and feel disassociated or disengaged with everyday things when your mind is full of random, overthought negative thoughts. At one point,I became fearful to go to sleep because my thoughts became intrusive to the point they would manifest themselves into nightmares or frightening visual hallucinations when I was alone in the dark or closed my eyes to sleep..but it’s these sort of things that people should not be ashamed to discuss because it happens more than you think! Things turned around when I hit such a low place over Christmas and I set myself physical goals when I got back; go to the gym, eat better, stay in more..and I found with perseverance that my head was in a calmer place and I became much happier: physical and mental health are so deeply linked and equal in significance!!!

In terms of coping mechanisms (which can be difficult to find at first) they differ all the time and I still really struggle sometimes in keeping it together and not letting my emotions get the better of me. But one thing that’s so so important is to stay as positive as possible and grateful for what is around you, surround yourself with people who can be patient with you and just listen to you. Don’t feel like a burden by needing to express yourself to people you care about: those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind!!! Writing a to do list, even if it’s small, gives you a sense of accomplishment when you tick them off and purpose for the day. Another great thing, which most universities offer, is student counselling, and as daunting as it may seem having to speak to a stranger about all the shit going on up there, it’s surprisingly refreshing (for me anyway) to find the answers to many questions I previously was so confused about. Having a figure in your life to speak to whose detached emotionally from the ins and outs of daily life can be a huge weight off your shoulders due to realising there is no judgment there.

The conflict between home life and university life; both separate places and friends, can leave some people in identity crises, which can worsen and irrationalise many other problems in life as its easy to latch onto comforts in either place, and feel deprived of them when in one place over another. For example when you come back from university, it’s common that people question their new friendships they have developed..or realise aspects of their character are changing in order to fit in which can cause panic. But its sensible to realise that its normal that certain people bring out other aspects of your character, and that you haven’t changed in a bad way as a person, it’s just personal growth. Whenever I speak to people about this conflict, a lot of people end up questioning ‘which life makes me happier?’ and although some people do not ask themselves this question, it can be such a frustrating to and fro-ing with your mind when you are asking it to yourself.

I now know that when I go back to uni after coming home, it takes a while for me to ease back into it, but then I start becoming more relaxed and happier if I make sure to look after myself, which I hope is the same for people around me too. University is full of  great experiences and fun times when you are settled, but it’s the problems beneath all this which can be more prevalent than a lot of people think. If you’re struggling at uni, or any part of life right now, reach out to a person who you know will listen and have your back.. or me Cos I love to chat:-). Comparison is dangerous when it comes to mental health, because it is easy to belittle your issues if you’re aware of more serious ones in others. However by addressing the problem early on can prevent the spiral to a much deeper problem, and don’t be embarrassed about asking for help even if you just detect a lapse in your mental health. You wouldn’t neglect any kind of physical symptom you were suspicious of, so don’t ignore the battle in your brain!!!The student community is a crazy one and it’s so easy to look past warning signs both from yourself and others around you, it’s so important to look out for eachother❤️keep going!!!!!